My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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