remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
