To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i wish my penis had a tongue
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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