My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He passed out mid-signature
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
