She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
