can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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