I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
