I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
