i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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