i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
