I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
