We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
