then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
