I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
