Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
