woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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