We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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