Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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