I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
