Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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