Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
