She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
