then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
