I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
