For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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