Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
