I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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