and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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