i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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