a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
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Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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