he wants to bone in the snuggie
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
its not stalking. its research.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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