found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
