im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
