everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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