You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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