someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
