if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.