Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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