someone get that fucking seahorse.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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