Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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