i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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