I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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