am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
