did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
