I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
All the doctor said was why
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
