Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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