God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
