Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
