Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
