Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
