btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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