meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
