life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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