He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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