what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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