this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
