Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
