OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
