my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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